No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize