omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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