So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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