he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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