he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
