that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
