So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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