I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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