our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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