I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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