It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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