I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.