im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
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No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
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You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.