life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen