theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
