he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
