kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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