I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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