I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
