I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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