FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
