if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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