I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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