I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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