Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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