She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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