Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
