Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
