i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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