I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
