Your face is a jimmy john
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
