i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
it's great music for shaving your balls
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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