A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
