I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
