Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
