I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
