There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
