I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Randomize
