she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
