Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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