Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
