I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
