obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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