i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
