When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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