I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
