I just pynch a tree in the face
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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