So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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