four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
