someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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