the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
