Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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