Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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