my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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