If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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