i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
