Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
