Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So much rum. So many feels.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
