I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
